more than a biological related, 23 chromosomes, thicker than blood something
you missed my piano recitals and dance concerts to cloak your lungs with smoke and drown out your father image in alcohol
you never taught me how to clean stains off my shirt or tie my shoes
so I walk around in dirty clothes and loose laces
you were meant to help me with homework, or write a note and teach me how to play ball
I got c's in 7th grade and footballs are planted on the ground
you weren't an overprotective type of dad, you weren't any type of protective
and the nights I regret you let happen because you laid down one brick and gave up on the wall
in your dictionary being a father must be defined as becoming a stranger to your own child
because all i'm left with is a bruised mind and fleeting memories
you say the disease dictates your decisions and that's why you don't do dad very well
the disease didn't trigger until I was 15
and those 15 years you had no ammo
so what's your excuse for shooting at age 2
I got my adrenaline junky gene from you, so I thank you for all those fears I don't have
but you left me with one fear that poisons my brain with paranoia
becoming like you
This was very real and personal and I really admire your ability to be so eloquent and open.
ReplyDeleteThis is so honest and holds so much emotion and it makes me feel and I'm angry and sad and awe inspired all at the same time and I love your blog and you
ReplyDelete"You never taught me how to clean stains off my shirt or tie my shoes, so I walk around in dirty clothes and loose laces."
ReplyDeleteSnatching this line. This post left me speechless.
"you laid down one brick and gave up on the wall"
ReplyDeletethis is an amazing post
"you laid down one brick and gave up on the wall"
ReplyDeletethis really hit me.
One of your best yet. You are so talented
ReplyDeletesuch amazing writing.
ReplyDelete'you say the disease dictates your decisions and that's why you don't do dad very well'
love the alliteration here.